LANCASHIRE WIT AND HUMOUR.


BY BEN BRIERLEY (Ab-o'th'-Yate).

One Wednesday night, in November, 1892, Mr. Ben Brierley read a paper entitled "Lancashire Wit and Humour," at the White Lion Hotel, Blackley, in connection with the White Lion Literary Club.  Mr. Peter Ball presided, and there was a large attendance.

    Mr. BRIERLEY said: The distinguishing feature of Lancashire Humour is its quaintness.  I do not know a better term to apply to it.  Some people seem to think it depends upon the dialect.  Nothing of the kind!  The dialect, certainly, gives force to its expressiveness; and lends a colouring to a story that ordinary language cannot give it.  That is all!  Others have an idea that the dialect a genuine man of the soil uses is simply vulgarised English, and bad spelling, mixed.  Authors that I care not to be classed with, have clothed their ideas in the most outrageous orthography, and called it humour, when there has not been a scintillation of humour to light up a sentence.  I can see no fun in spelling Cobden with a K.  Yet it is to be found in a very popular book, and is quoted as a specimen of Lancashire humour.  A person who pretends to be a humourist, and has no better claim to the title, deserves to be forgotten, at least.

    Lancashire humour depends upon the manner in which it is employed, either in telling a story, or carrying on a conversation.  Vulgarity is not one of its essentials.  It rather detracts from its strength, while it adds nothing to its point.  There is a subtlety about it that is closely allied to art; and a stranger cannot find out where this quality lies, nor how it is transmitted.  Perhaps it would be a puzzle to the Lancashire man himself.  But the secret of his success in telling a story is his attention to climaxes.  He knows where to place them.  No one has to inquire where the laugh comes in.  This faculty has been acquired by long practice.  Winter evenings have been his opportunities, when there has been nothing to draw him away from the human fender formed round the cottage hearth.  His own fireside, or that of a neighbour, was his club.  It was there the village folks met on evenings for recreation, which was sometimes to them "as good as a play."  At the week's end the alehouse was their theatre; their music hall; their palace of varieties, with a refreshment bar, rolled into one.  It was the alehouse because the people had no choice.  There were no concerts; nor entertainments of any kind.  And whoever lived a working man's life in those days knows how dreary it would have been but for these nightly gatherings.

    But in spite of the privations the poor suffered it was a privilege to have lived at such a time; and among a people who knew not the inside of a police court.  They gathered fun as bees do honey; and enjoyed it the better because unadulterated with grosser things.  Their equanimity was not every day disturbed by hearing of murders and other crimes.  No great frauds planned to rob them.  It is a wonderful aid to humour is having an easy mind.  You could not expect fun out of a man with a wrinkled brow.

    In my rambles I have discovered that humour lies in veins, like ore.  In some places there are "faults," whole villages are devoid of it.  What should be humour simply consists of a jingling of cant phrases, often meaningless, and sometimes stupid.  Factory life was in a great measure responsible for this.  The noise of the machinery made conversation impossible, unless the words were spoken through the nose.  Hence the singing of a mill hand was not pleasant.  The tone was not natural, only in females.  You never hear of a good tenor singer emanating from the factory.  Their sense of humour is blunted from the same cause.  They cannot rub shoulders together.  Not so with the handloom weaver, the hatter, and the followers of such trades as are not noisy.

    I was once travelling from Manchester to Todmorden when I was suffering from a cold on the lungs.  I got into a non-smoking carriage.  I was joined at Rochdale by two apparently mill hands.  They had short pipes, which they at once began charging with vile smoking tobacco.  I reminded them that it was a non-smoking carriage, so they quietly put up their guns, and treated me to some of the vilest music that ever sawed off an ear.  I knew by that they were mill hands.  After listening to a few bars, that sounded like the clang of bars of iron, I said, "Chaps, aw think aw can stond smoke neaw."  Pipes were out in a snifter, and I thanked the young men for their willingness to oblige me.  On leaving the train I heard one of them remark to the other, "Yond mon 'ud rayther have er smokin' nor our singin'."

    There are many droll anecdotes told about local musicians at a time when there was no Besses-o'-th'-Barn Band to give concerted music a charm that it never had before when given by amateurs.  "Yond's Tunnicliffe playin' his tripilo (piccolo)," said one old villager to another, "Aw reckon he's gooin' to play at this grand oratoryio."  Here is another, and quite representative of the old country bands.

TH' OWD BASSOON PLAYER.

    Lancashire has bin noted for its music, speshly on its moorsides, wheer heawses are as thinly dotted o'er as curran's used to be i' my groony's oon-cakes.  Heaw they used to find the'r road fro' one to another o' dark neets would puzzle folks neaw-a-days.  But thoose 'at wur livin' then managed to blunder through th' lanes as if they knew wheer every stone an' every gutter lay, an' could stride o'er 'em.  Wayterside wur a rare place for coortin.'  If owd Johnny Fildes, the farmer, coome eawt wi' a stick he'd know better nor leeave th' dur.  He knew it wouldno' be safe to cross th' fowt, nor for younger foalk if they're strangers.  So the'r Ann an' her chap could have the'r own way, speshly when they seed th' tassel of a neet cap bobbin' through th' chamber window.  They knew then o wur safe. They knew, too, it wouldno' be long ere silence, an' th' stars, an' th' music o'th' river would ha' th' neet to the'rsels.  But sometimes a growl would come like a note o' boggart music fro' owd Johnny's heawse, an' noane o' th' childer abeawt du'st go past th' dur.  Owd Johnny played th' bassoon i'th' Wayterside Band, or did play it afore th' band wur brokken up.  Neaw he nobbut played o' "charity" days at th' Little Jireh, when owd Mally would brew, an' buy an extry penn'orth o' furnityer polish, when it wur the'r turn to quieten th' hunger worm, for owd Bobbin Joe, th' praicher.  He flung th' poker at Sleawcher one neet becose he axt him if he'd a cawve deein'.  Owd Johnny had bin doin' a bit of a practice on th' bassoon.

    Well, one neet that winter th' band broke up; they'rn havin' a practice at th' Shelf—that's at t'other moorside to owd Johnnys's, an' a dule of a neet it wur to begin wi'.  It snowed, an' froze till everythin' cracked like a cart whip before th' moon rose.  Then a thaw set in.  It begun i' owd Beawser kitchen after th' band had drunken abeawt three peck o' th' practisin' drink.  Owd Johnny couldno' ha' towd a tree fro' a cleawd when he went for t' go whoam if it hadno' bin for th' moon.  Ther a bridge made o' four planks, an' one side railed off, lay across th' river, an' this bridge wur covered wi' snow, but black wheer feet had bin.  Owd Johnny had to cross this bridge, wheer he used his bassoon for a walkin' stick.  He seed th' footprints i'th' snow, an' he thowt it wur music.  He stopt.

    "It may be good music," he said, "but it's d―――d badly pricked.  Ther's nob'dy i' eawr band could play that, nobbut th' drummer.  Let's try if aw con blow a stave," an' he fixed hissel wi' th' meawth-piece o' th' bassoon bobbin' fuss i' one ear, then i' t'other.  When he geet it int' his meawth he blew.  Th' seawnd echoed between th' hills wi' sich a dismal noise 'at owd Johnny staggered, an' th' drink he'd had helped him; then deawn he went int' th' wayter.  Theere he lay, wi' his body on th' bank an' his feet i'th' river, an' th' moon shoinin' full in his face.  He're as fast asleep as an owd smithy dur.  A neighbour seein' him tried to reawse him up, but o 'at he could get eawt o' owd Johnny wur a grunt, an' "Put moore clooas on mi feet, Mal, an' blow th' candle eawt!"

    As I have said, to have lived at the time when these stories originated was a privilege.  Humour may have been given to the people as a compensation for many things they were deprived of, and no very bad substitute neither, as the health of the old people who are passing away abundantly testifies.  This habit of rubbing shoulders together at these domestic clubs produced many a semi-professional tale-teller, who went about the country after the manner of itinerant theatricals, with this difference, the auditorium being a drawing room in place of a barn.  I knew one of this fraternity who was in great request at gentlemen's houses for miles round.  His wife remarked he seldom was at home, unless he came for a change of air.

    In this Lancashire of ours, 6o years ago, the people outside the manufacturing towns had no places of amusement.  In those days there was no Peter Street in Manchester, with its Free Trade Hall and Theatres, to rouse them out of the sleep of their hum-drum life.  So they would send for one of these story-tellers; and if they fed and fuddled him in return for the entertainment he provided he thought he was amply paid.  But sometimes he got more.  His house was the repository for cast-off clothing, so that it might have been said of his family that they were the "glasses of fashion" of, perhaps, 2o years before. A local poetaster hath said of one of these recipients of these benefactions:—

Unfortunately, when this person died many of his stories died with him.  Pen and ink were not in great request in some of our country villages in those days.  The tales were told from memory; and where they have not been picked up by collectors they have been lost.  John Collier was a collector; so was Robert Walker.  The anecdotes they wove into their stories had been heard in the taproom corner, or in the domestic clubs of the time.  They were not their own inventions.  They were adaptations from others, and put into the mouths of their own characters.  These shreds were so artistically stitched together, and with such attention to the harmony of colour, that they could be presented in the form of a whole piece.

    As an illustration of what I mean, I may instance old Joshua Brooks, the eccentric Manchester parson.  I wonder how many stories of various kinds the anecdotes told about him have been woven into?  How much would have been said about other people had they been as well known?  I have in my own time rescued a few of these anecdotes and sayings on their passage to the dust-bin of oblivion, some of which I have presented to the public in my own form.  As examples, I may quote from my collection the following:—

A "SOND BRID."

    Long Jammie wur a brid stuffer; an' it used to be his boast 'at he'd every fithert animal, or one like it, 'at ever flew on wing, or hung on a wall.  He'd everythin' fro' a hummabee to a flyin' jackass; an' he'd ha' had a pair o' thoose if Billy o' Bobs would alleaw hissel' to be stuffed.

    "Theaw't one thing short," Billy said one day, as here lookin' reawnd Jammie's "musaum," as he co'ed his collection.

    "What's that?" Jammie wanted to, know.

    "It's a very skase brid," Billy said, "Co'ed a sond brid."

    "Ay, it mun be skase or else aw should ha' had a specimens i' my musaum," Jammie said.  "But what is it like?"

    "It's like o'th' bit-bat gender," Billy said.  "It's a yead like a cat, an' feet like a duck; an' when it flies it uses its feet like paddles to guide itsel'."

    "But why dun they co' it a sond brid?"

    "Well, theaw sees, it's a native o'th' Great Desert o' Sara; an' when it's windy, it flies tail fust, to keep sond eawt o' its een."

    Lancashire men have been represented to be a hardy race of people.  Physically they could endure anything.  They could stand fire and water with an indifference that almost amounted to stoicism.  They could sing while descending into a coal mine when they could smell that destructive element the black, or choke-damp, and even jest about the possibility of going up with their bones "mixed, cobs an' burgy, wi' a bit o' slack thrown in."  It is said that Moston folks, I mean the old inhabitants, used to go to "Dickey Pit" to see if it rained.  They could not feel it.  An instance of this indifference to weather occurred within my own experience, and illustrates at the same time the humorous side of the Lancashire character.

"DUCK BUILT."

The inhabitants of the moorsides, which may be called the border land that divides the counties of York and Lancaster, used to be a hardy race of people.  Being inured to a rough kind of life, they seemed indifferent to rough weather and rough fortune, wind or rain, sunshine or cold, it was all the same to these "moorsiders."  They were like "Jimmy Sprigbit," who sat under a hedge at midnight during a heavy downpour, singing "The heavenly dews are falling, love," as contentedly as if he had been in my lady's bower.  He used to say he was "duck built," water had no effect on him.  I was once making my way along an old lane north of Oldham, when the wind was blowing "big guns," and the rain pouring in torrents, fencing myself as well as I could against both with my "Gamp," when I passed an old man, minus coat and hat, humming to himself, and walking as leisurely as though it had been a fine summer day.  As I passed him he called out

A character in my story "Red Windows Hall," makes use of his peculiar style of speech in begging for something he wanted.  This may shock teetotallers, but if we have to describe a character, with the most prominent of his idiosyncrasies, we must speak of him as we find him, without paint or varnish, or without taking off the warts.  Sam is in want of a pint of beer, without knowing how to obtain it.  An idea, as Waugh would say, "trickles into his pate," and addressing a landlady, says—

    "Didt ever know sich dry weather as this?"  At the same time looking down into the empty pot at his elbow.  "It's very dry, sartinly," replied Tabby, but without seeming to take the hint the old man had thrown out.  "Hum," said Sam, "an' it's as dusty as th' Desert o' Jerusalem, ift' knows wheere that is."  Tabby had heard of deserts, but thought there was none near Jerusalem.  "Blows cleawds o' sond up theere 'at maks a chap's e'en look like two stone marbles afore he con wink."  "Really!" exclaimed the landlady.  "Ay, an' if he doesno' shut his meawth it maks him into an egg timer straight forrard."  "Well, I never!"  "Just so; an' if he's sweating at th' time he gets so peppered o'er 'at if th' Indians catches him they strippen his skin, un' makken it into sond papper fort' polish the'r bows an' arrows, an' sharpen the'r teeth with."  "Theaw never says?"  "How would't like to be theere, owd crayther, an' no aleheawse abeawt?"  "Aw shouldno', Sam,"  "Nawe, nor thou wouldno' like to see me made ins' an egg-timer, wouldta?"  "Not I, marry."  "Nor sond papper, noather?"  "Eh, dear me, nawe."  "Well, I'm feart I shall be oather one or t'other if aw ha' no' another pot full," and Sam gasped, an' blowed, an' sputtered, as if his mouth was already filling with desert sand.  "An' has theaw gone reawnd by Jerusalem for th' sake o' a pint o' drink?" said the landlady.  "Ay, an' quite far enoogh, too," was the reply.  "Well, theaw shall have it," and she added, "If ever theaw'rt wet o' thi feet wi' summat 'at should ha' gone down thi throat, it'll be when theaw's mistakken thi clogs for thi meawth."  "True, O King!  Second chapter o' th' third book o' Isseral, 551 verse, short metre."

    Many stories are told about cats, but very few of a pleasing kind.  Cats partake too much of the nature of the tiger to recommend themselves to the companionship of man, only such as are old maidish.  Their propensity to steal is a kind of feline weakness, for which there is only one cure.  It is this.

CURTAILIN' A CAT.

    "Ther's bin a big leatherin' Tum cat staylin' mi pigeons," Joe at little Ann's said one neet to his crony, Jim Travis, as they'rn congregated ut th' owd "Tinkler."  "What would theaw do if it took thy hens?"

    "Poison it," Jim said.

    "Aw've tried that," Joe said; "but if theaw's noticed, cats has getten too fause, they'n ate nowt 'at theaw wants 'em t' do.  They're as self-willed as women."

    "Aw tried one once misel'," said Jim.  "Aw tried it wi' a stuffed lark, but pussy would ha' noane.  Hoo kept walkin' reawnd it, an' swearin' like a navvy, an' seemin' to say—'Aw'm noane goin' to kill summat 'at's deead.  Aw'm a sportin' cat; aw kill for killin's sake.  Neaw, then, tak' thi owd skin, an' give it to a monkey,' an' it walked off wi' th' dignity of a young tiger.  But aw'll tell thi what to do.  Get some prussic acid, an' daub Tummas' cooat o'er wi' it."

    "What good will that do?  Poison should be swallowed."

    "Aw know.  Tummas 'll lick it off his cooat', an' then tumble o'er as if he'd swallowed an earthquake."

    "Aw didno' think o' that.  Theaw'll yer of a cat burin' afore long.  Hearken eawt."

    Some days after this confab, Joe at Little Ann's met Jim Travis, an' Jim axt Joe if he'd getten th' corpse laid eawt for th' cat buryin'.

    "Did th' poison act?"

    "Nawe; eawr Mary wouldno' let me try it.  Hoo said it wur a sin fort' poison cats.  So aw gees a axe, an' waited for Tummas to come to his huntin' greawnd.  Aw hadno' waited lung afore aw seed his catship come snakin' reawnd, an' then jump ont' th' pigeon-booart.  Neaw for it aw thowt.  So aw up wi' th' axe, an' aw chopped his tail off."

    "Wheay that'll no' cure him," Jim said.  "He'll come again as soon as th' stump gets weel."

    "Nay he winnot, for aw chopped his tail off close to his ears."

CURTAILIN' THE DEVIL.

    An old local tub-thumper, who sometimes held forth at our little chapel, was one Sunday making prayer, and during his invocation, he said, "Oh, Lord, do curtail the devil's power.  Do, Lord, curtail the devil's power."  An old woman sitting on a back seat, sang out, "Ay, do Lord, an' cut it off close to his rump!"

AN OLD MAN'S BLESSING.

    Mary, bless thee an' thine—aw meean yo're Bill—an' thi childer, if ever theaw has ony, but aw think theaw'rt gettin' too owd; bless thi bread-flake, an' thi porritch dish, an' thi bacon hooks; may thi hearthstone ne'er be frozen o'er, but awlus be as wot an' as comfortable as it is neaw.  May theaw ne'er feel no little cowd feet i' bed, nor see no little meawths yammerin' for summat 'at theaw conno' give 'em.  May o 'at's abeawt thee prosper, just becose theaw likes seein' folk weel off; an', when theaw's done wi' this wo'ld, may God Omighty tak' thee to th' side o' Him, an' put as mony creawns o' thi yed as theaw's done good things i' this life, an' theaw'll have 'em yept up as hee as th' Tower o' Babel, an' a breek or two o'th top on't.  Amen."

    We do not often hear of parrots becoming detectives, but here is an instance of one discovering and routing a gang of hen-roost robbers.

A PARROT DETECTIVE.

    Billy Kay had had a lot of his hens stown, an' he never could find eawt who th' thief wur.  He'd set a trap, but someheaw it didno' act.  It never catch nowt, nobbut one time a piece of a stockin', 'at ther nowt like among th' neighbours.  Billy had a parrot 'at wur a bit gan to leeavin' th' cage, an' potterin' abeawt th' hen-cote when th' hens wur eawt.  It had bin browt up to a sort o' aleheawse life an' it wanted company.  It had larnt to crow so nattural 'at th' owd cock ud like to know what breed hoo belonged to.  So he invited Polly to spend a neet wi' him an' th' family, an' gie th' cote a rowser.  So th' parrot went, an' they'd a merry time on't.  It wur late when they went to roost, an' they'd hardly had a wink o' sleep when Polly yers summat oppen th' cote dur.  Then ther a hont lifted to th' peearch, an' one after another th' hens were snigged off, till it coome to th' owd cock.  Polly thowt it were gettin' warm, so hoo says to th' owd rooster—"Hutch up, owd lad, it's thy turn next."  Ther no moore hens stown!

    This is an anecdote I heard not very long ago.  The minister at a certain Wesleyan Chapel gave out a short metre hymn, and the leader of the choir started it with a long metre tune.  "An' heaw did yo' get on wi' it?" asked one of the listeners.  The reply was—

    "We sarved th' tune same as owd Pelican did his flannels, we shrunk it."

  Here is a Lancashire man's method of conveying his sense of hunger.

    "Come an' have a bit o' dinner wi' me, Bob; theaw looks hungry enough to rob a meawse-trap."

    "Ay, aw am that.  My appetite's like owd Berry's saw—it's sharp, an' wide set.  It ud go through a beefsteak plank beawt wantin' a candle to graise it.  Mi teeth ban bin eawt o' wark so lung they dunno' know but they're bagged."

Two old friends meeting each other, and who had not met for some years, one exclaims,

    "Eh, is that thee?  Aw'm as fain to see thee, lad, as if someb'dy had gan me a thripenny bit wi' a hole in't, or as if I'd fund a wasp neest."

As an instance of what is called Lancashire trotting, I may quote the following:—

    Two fellows are having a good humoured quarrel about each other's personal appearance, and one of them retorts, "Theaw'rt noane so hondsome thysel, Swanky.  Theaw'rt one o' thoose 'at looks best ut th' back o' th' table; for theaw's letten lads punce thi legs till they're like a pair o' scythe pows, in an' out, as if they'd bin groon in a hedge."

Here is a bit of gradely Lancashire independence:—

    A father addressing his son, says, "Bill, we connot o be gentlemen.  Some o' us will ha' to wayve, an' delve, an' use hummers, an' axes, an' live so 'at they will no' be plagued wi' what they coen gout.  Theaw's a good pair o' honds o' thi own, a set o' teeth fit for a grinnin' match, an' a pair o' shanks 'at dunno want proppin' up wi' sticks.  Theaw's the wo'ld afore thee, a fayther's example at thi back, a pair o' clogs, an' a shirt, an' what con theaw want beside?  Nowt?  Then theaw'rt fit to live!  If theaw seed a mon up to th' ears in a pit, what would theaw do?  Poo him out, wouldto?  That's reet, Bill, it's th' key to th' whul duty o' man—help one another.  Go to thi' porritch!"

TH' BEST 'O MILK.

    Owd Kilter o' Dick's wur boastin' of his farmin' one neet i' Betty o' Jim's kitchen.  He could oather farm twenty acre for milk, or five acre for pottatoes; an' he'd ha' better crops nor ony farmer abeawt."

    "Ay," owd Nal said—a chap 'at liked a bit o' trottin'—"yo set pottato peelin's i'stead o' pottatoes, an' they coome up like mint."

    This put owd Kester i'th' sulks for awhile, but at last he rallied.

    "A good job for thee, Nal," he said.  "Theaw could brew a sope o' mint tae for th' childer, then!"

    "Ay, it wur a good job," Nal said, peevishly.  "That, wi' a spoonful o' yor milk, made things grand."

    "Ay, ay, ay," Kester said, thinkin' he'd won.

    "No flies dreawn i' yor milk!" Nal said.

    "Nawe, nawe," Kester said, slappin' his knees, "They'd walk on th' cream!"

    "Nay," Nal said, "they'd be dreawnt i'th' wayter afore they could get to th' milk."

    This is another specimen:—

GOOD INTEREST.

    Owd Senty had a jackass' at would ate owt obbut clover; an' that it had no chance o' tastin'.  Clooas, or mops—nowt coome wrong for it.  If it ever wur too cowd for t' keep hissel warm in his cote, "William" would go i'th' heawse, an' stond afore th' fire till he're hawve roasted; an' if ther owt lyin' abeawt lose he'd have a meawthful on't.  Spoons had been missed; an' one time th' pepper box; but Bill never took a second dose o' that sort o' provender.  Another time owd Senty's wife had left her leather puss, wi' a hawve suvverin in it, upon th' table, when th' jackass wur lookin' reawnd.  He'd tasted leather afore, havin' etten a pair o' childer's shoon 'at had bin dropt i'th' lone.  He snapped this puss up, th' half suvverin' an' o; an' weary wark ther' wur o'er it.  Bill had to be kept up a day or two through that job.  But some time after owd Senty wur havin' his pint at th' "Owd Bell;" and Jim Thuston thowt he'd trot him a bit.

    "Oh, Senty," he said, "did yo ever get that hawve suvverin back 'at th' jackass swallowed?"  "Nawe," Senty said, "If theaw remembers I bowt him off a Jew; an' he larnt a bit o' his owd mesther's trade, that wur lendin' money at great interest.  O 'at th' donkey ud part wi' wur seven-an'-sixpence.  He said he'd keep t'other hawve creawn for two days' interest.

The following are miscellaneous, with which I shall conclude this paper:—

A GOOD REASON WHY.

    Little Dody wur boastin' one neet i'th' "Owd Bell" kitchen 'at he'd never struck his wife, nor gan her a cross word, in his life.  "Ther's abeawt twelve stone of a reason for that, Dody," Fause Juddie said.  "Theaw'd be feart on her layin' thee across her knee, an' knockin' some o'th' dust eawt o' thi clooas."

TOO HEAVY FOR HIS JOB.

    Pudgy wur takkin' a part in a bit o' play-actin' at Hazelw'th skoo.  Summat he'd done 'at th' king ud knight him for.  Joe Travis wur th' king; so he commands Pudgy for t' kneel deawn.  Th' owd lad dropt on booath knees wi' a bang ut wur very nee puttin' th' gas eawt.  Th' king laid his sword on Pudgy's shoother, then he said, "Rise a knight, Sir John Hayes."  But th' new knight couldno' rise; an' he frabbed, an' frabbed, but it wur o' no use, he're to heavy.  Th' king seein' this, an' forgettin' his dignity, sheawted to th' army 'at wur beheend him, "Neaw, yo' two British an' French armies, booath on yo' come here, an' help Pudgy up off his knees; he's to' heavy for his job."  It took booath armies for t' lift him.

HEAW HE'RE SOWD.

    At th' time 'at th' magistrates used to sit at th' "Owd Bell," an' th' lock-ups stood at th' back o'th' brewheawse, ther a madcap fro' Owdham one neet had bin usin' a two-inch pair o'clogs to' freely again any shins 'at come in his road.  That geet him put wheere he're safe for th' neet.  Th' ostler carried th' keys o'th' lockups; an' it wur his place for t' keep his prisoners as quiet as he could.  This Owdhamer wur moore nur his match for a while, for he drummed on th' dur wi' his clogs till th' noise could ha' bin yerd a mile off.  At last Sam hit on a plan for mufflin' th' seawnd, if he couldno' quieten th' drummer.  He went to th' lock-ups dur, an' said, "Here, owd mon, aw'd like thee t' trim thisel' up a bit, so 'at theaw'll look th' best side eawt when theaw goes afore th' magistrates i'th' mornin', so gie me thi clogs, an' aw'll graise 'em for thi."  Th' mon honded th' clogs eawt, an' as soon as Sam had getten howd on 'em he said, "Neaw, then, theaw con punce as long as theaw's a mind i' thi' stockin'-feet!"